This was originally supposed to be a list of resolutions for 2016, but I think I'd rather make this about the year that was.
In the last few years, the years have been in a pattern of peaks and troughs. 2012 was great, 2013 sucked, 2014 was lovely and so on... But 2015 really, it's hard to put it into words.
If 2015 were a colour though, i'd pick blue. Sometimes turquoise, sometimes indigo, ever so often a bright vivid cerulean and rarely azure, but mostly, mostly it was just plain blue. I'd love to spill it all out here, the reasons, the anxiety, the sadness, the emptiness, but I can't. Not while people I know still read. Not while I still feel too vulnerable to deal with questions and comments and criticism. More than ever now, I wish I'd left this blog anonymous.
But maybe some of it, yes? In 2015, so many life changes have happened around me, to the people closest to me, to those around me - jobs that necessitated moving out of the city, marriages, babies and more.
And in the midst of it all, I feel rather like an island in the midst of a raging storm. I'm content with my life, but it continues. It rather feels like I'm coasting my way through at the moment. Standing still. In 2015, I haven't challenged myself enough, grown enough.
Job-wise, I think I'm as happy as I could be. Is this my dream job? I'm not so sure, in that I don't think I could do this everyday for the rest of my life, but I do like what I do and it gives me a great deal of satisfaction. But I've never been very ambitious, I've never dreamed of being an editor at 30, of running my own company at 40, of having my own team of 10 to manage. My ambitions have never been set in stone. I want to do what I do well and take up the right opportunitiesart at the right time, but I've never had any set ambitions. I was listening to the COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg's commencement address at Harvard when she spoke of a career, not being so much of a ladder as a lattice. A thought struck a chord with me and stayed with me because unknown to me, without actually thinking about it very much, that that was exactly what I've been doing thus far. I've not moved so much up as I have sideways and added skills that I can now proudly add to my resume and have that much more to offer a prospective employer. So despite my worries, over whether this job is my life, I think I've been doing pretty okay on that front.
Personally, I'm doing okay, but yet again, nothing has changed. Most of my relations have remained at status quo, but in 2015, I have been more perceptive of manipulation and machinations. I've been more aware of the times I have been available and not had the favour returned. It's not that I mind, because If your friends don't take advantage of you, who will? If I don't go out of the way for family, what is even the point of these relationships? But I know that there is a line to draw, that perhaps the time is now to not be so much of a push-over, to get over my fear of confrontation, to deal with issues head-on, to not make like an ostrich and bury my head in the sand (Just call me Cleopatra - Queen of Denial). That some things will never change and at that point, all you can do is walk-away. And this is perhaps my most important resolution for this year to walk away from relationships that are toxic and taking out of me far more than I put in.
Where love is concerned, much has happened in 2015 which has left me far wiser than I was before and I think that as I go into the 2016, I am more prepared to put myself on the line for what may happen and if it doesn't, that someday I will be glad I took that chance and at least have the serenity of knowing that I tried.
2016 - the year there will be more travel than home, more joy than tears, more laughter than whines. 2016 - The year of the dream.