Skip to main content

And another year goes by...






This was originally supposed to be a list of resolutions for 2016, but I think I'd rather make this about the year that was.

In the last few years, the years have been in a pattern of peaks and troughs. 2012 was great, 2013 sucked, 2014 was lovely and so on... But 2015 really, it's hard to put it into words.

If 2015 were a colour though, i'd pick blue. Sometimes turquoise, sometimes indigo, ever so often a bright vivid cerulean and rarely azure, but mostly, mostly it was just plain blue. I'd love to spill it all out here, the reasons, the anxiety, the sadness, the emptiness, but I can't. Not while people I know still read. Not while I still feel too vulnerable to deal with questions and comments and criticism. More than ever now, I wish I'd left this blog anonymous.

But maybe some of it, yes? In 2015, so many life changes have happened around me, to the people closest to me, to those around me - jobs that necessitated moving out of the city, marriages, babies and more.

And in the midst of it all, I feel rather like an island in the midst of a raging storm. I'm content with my life, but it continues. It rather feels like I'm coasting my way through at the moment. Standing still. In 2015, I haven't challenged myself enough, grown enough. 

Job-wise, I think I'm as happy as I could be. Is this my dream job? I'm not so sure, in that I don't think I could do this everyday for the rest of my life, but I do like what I do and it gives me a great deal of satisfaction. But I've never been very ambitious, I've never dreamed of being an editor at 30, of running my own company at 40, of having my own team of 10 to manage. My ambitions have never been set in stone. I want to do what I do well and take up the right opportunitiesart at the right time, but I've never had any set ambitions. I was listening to the COO of Facebook, Sheryl Sandberg's commencement address at Harvard when she spoke of a career, not being so much of a ladder as a lattice. A thought struck a chord with me and stayed with me because unknown to  me, without actually thinking about it very much, that that was exactly what I've been doing thus far. I've not moved so much up as I have sideways and added skills that I can now proudly add to my resume and have that much more to offer a prospective employer. So despite my worries, over whether this job is my life, I think I've been doing pretty okay on that front.

Personally, I'm doing okay, but yet again, nothing has changed. Most of my relations have remained at status quo, but in 2015, I have been more perceptive of manipulation and machinations. I've been more aware of the times I have been available and not had the favour returned. It's not that I mind, because If your friends don't take advantage of you, who will? If I don't go out of the way for family, what is even the point of these relationships? But I know that there is a line to draw, that perhaps the time is now to not be so much of a push-over, to get over my fear of confrontation, to deal with issues head-on, to not make like an ostrich and bury my head in the sand (Just call me Cleopatra - Queen of Denial). That some things will never change and at that point, all you can do is walk-away. And this is perhaps my most important resolution for this year to walk away from relationships that are toxic and taking out of me far more than I put in. 

Where love is concerned, much has happened in 2015 which has left me far wiser than I was before and I think that as I go into the 2016, I am more prepared to put myself on the line for what may happen and if it doesn't, that someday I will be glad I took that chance and at least have the serenity of knowing that I tried. 

2016 - the year there will be more travel than home, more joy than tears, more laughter than whines. 2016 - The year of the dream.







Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Remembering Avanti

Day before yesterday, on the 8th of November 2008, Avanti Desai would have turned 21. Instead 15 days before her birthday, as she hurried home to celebrate her grandmother's birthday, Avanti met with a train accident at Jogeshwari station. Just like that. Gone from our lives forever. Leaving behind a huge void and the world a lot more gloomier. And when I got the call first thing in the morning, I couldn't believe it. I thought it was a cruel sadistic joke, but as the calls kept coming in, I realised it was true. Even at the cemetary,, it still hadn't sunk in that Avanti was no longer here. The worst moment though was watching her disappear into the crematorium, it was horrible and I couldn't believe we were leaving her there, and through the next couple of hours all I could think of was of her going up in smoke while we stood there in the bright sunshine. It seemed incomprehensible at first, to think of Avanti as dead, to talk about her in the past tense, to get

Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal

I watched Dhan Dhana Dhan Goal over the weekend. First day first show in fact and it was fun. A paisa vasool movie if nothing else. Goal absolutely belongs to John Abraham. You cannot take your eyes off him when he's on screen and he does superbly well in a film that doesn't need much histrionics. And his smile. Its just the best. I'm a sucker for nice smiles. The kind where the eyes get all crinkly and his entire face just lights up. Bipasha Basu doesn't have much to do in the film and is incredibly inept at what she does do. She just doesn't come across well. The songs are pretty good. I especially loved Halla Bol. Billo Rani on the other hand is a nonsensical film and would have fitted in better in a movie about UP or Bihar. And how a bunch of footballers who are struggling to pay rent for their club manage to come up with enough money to hire dancers and a vulgar looking singer is beyond me. The movie though doesn't do much for me. The computer animation is

Randomity

I sat here staring at my screen for at least 15 minutes before I could decide what to blog about and as I write this I still have no idea. It's randomness at its best. There are a multitude of thoughts swirling through my head and I'm finding it hart to pinpoint or firmly hold one down. To be precise, what I'm feeling is exactly what Mynie describes in Strings . It's a knotted mess in my head. But I felt that it was time I did a blog post, there have been way too many tags lately and while I love doing tags. It's incredibly cathartic to write a post and get everything off my chest. And while this may seem a mess of a post, there's a lot of stuff that I wanted to talk about but didn't really seem to deserve an entire post to themselves, in terms of content at least. So I'm gonna put them all in here, in what is probably going to turn up to be a hell of a confused post. I'm just going to go with the flow and talk about whatever pops into my head. Cool?