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Invisible


I watched an Ellen DeGeneres show a few months, perhaps years ago, where they had a man on who had a major weight loss transformation, and he said something that has stayed with me ever since. "Being fat is isolating."

 It hit me hard and has stayed with me ever since. Being fat is isolating and who would know that better than I? Being fat has somehow made me less of a person. I'm defined by my weight, it seems now. Ever so often I hear, "She's such a pretty girl, but...."; "She's so smart but.... "; "She has such a pretty smile but... "

I've been looked through, skimmed over, ignored, even when I know what I'm talking about while others skinnier have received all the attention in the world.

It's been assumed that I can't do anything but eat. My interest in football, in being outdoors, in books are all somehow secondary to the kilos on my scale.

The comments/the jibes/the hurt - they've come from all directions, from friends, from family, from acquaintances, from strangers, and each cuts a little deeper, each leaves a little scar, each leaves me crumbling from within.

I hide it, I put on a brave face. I try to let the comments roll off my back, but each time it gets a little harder. Each time I get a little smaller, I seek validation where none is forthcoming. I eat my feelings. I go into my shell more and more. I seek comfort at the bottom of the bowl.

I could lose weight, but part of me is reluctant to do so. Why shouldn't the people who love me love me the way I am now? Why can't they accept me for the way I am? Why should I give them the satisfaction of thinking their words got to me and made me change?

Why can't I just have someone tell me in person that I'm beautiful? Why don't I deserve that?

Comments

sanket kambli said…
I wish I had answer to those questions.
I don't know why people don't accept us the way we are.
Always trying to make us fit into their definitions.
Even guilty playing us and calling themselves a victim.
Maybe they are scared of being around someone who inst their definition of beautiful.
21 November 2019 at 20:14
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