Tuesday, December 31, 2013

The year that was

Ah, 2013.

Where do I begin, but I think I can safely say that I am rather glad to see the back of you.

You've been a tough year. To borrow a phrase, from the Queen, my "annus horribilis." It was the year of self-introspection when I realised several rather discomfiting facts about myself, that were hard to take and even more difficult to accept and understand. But more on that later.

In my work life though, 2013 has been a mixed bag. I left a job I adored for another very similar one, only to realise how different organisations can be. From the first moment to the last of those miserable seven months I spent there, I can't say that I ever truly felt happy or free. So I did what family and friends told me was foolhardy in the extreme, I upped and quit and refused to put myself through that rigmarole for another day.

One month of unemployment later, I found a new job. One that entailed me making a switch from journalism to marketing. It gave me the clarity to know that I'm okay with leaving journalism but not the tourism industry and that made it all much simpler.

The new job has been easy and it's been very very hard, to leave something I knew I could do competently to something where I sometimes feel completely out of depth and have to duck my head under and take a deep breath. But I know that I can do this,  I just have to work harder and keep at it and when I go home at night, I exhale and know that I enjoy this and what more could I ask out of any job than this?

That month of unemployment though was crippled with gut-wrenching anxiety and waves of panic that would surface before I went to bed and crush me down when I opened my eyes in the morning. And no matter how much, well-meaning friends and family told me to breathe, that I wouldn't be jobless forever, that something would come along and even if it didn't, I had plenty of fallback options, that I have a roof over my head and three meals on the table and that I should just 'RELAX, GODDAMMIT!' I still couldn't let go. I couldn't ease up on myself and it was only when I had a firm offer for a job that I could feel the tight knot inside of me unwind slowly.

But with it, came the realisation that I had somewhere along the line evolved from being the most laid-back person my friends have ever claimed to meet to a control freak! And as I cam to terms with this uncomfortable home truth, I realised it is also in my personal life that I'm unwilling to let go and trust to the fates that what has to happen will.

So of all the things, I have planned for 2014. Of all my resolutions both big and small, this is perhaps my most important one of them all that I release myself from the pressures I put myself under. To stop analysing and over-thinking and weighing the pros and cons before I do anything. That sometimes it's a good thing to take that leap of faith, stare down the barrel of the gun, pee into the wind...

1 comment:

W!((!@M said...

i donno abt other readers.. but id surely wanna knw wat facts u discovered abt urself ... :) :) tell tell