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Gut-wrenching Want

Today, I'm wanting. I'm wanting so bad, I can feel it with an intensity that makes my hands tremble as I type this, that keeps my stomach churning at super-sonic pace and keeps me unable to focus on anything else. The kind of wanting that has you reaching out to take, barely able to control yourself.

It's rare to be presented with an opportunity like the one I've just received and if everything goes the way it ideally should, it will be a once in a lifetime experience and that's why I'm so worried and anxious.

If I don't receive it though, I know that a tiny part of me will splinter and die. Perhaps I'm being overly dramatic, maybe I'm not. I don't know. I have wonderful family and friends and I know that they will always be there to support me. But I also know what a solitary creature I am and how my deepest wounds are only aired in private. That I rarely ask for help, I ask for prayers, for good thoughts, but rarely to be helped.

Anyway, back to the wanting. It's dancing around me now, even as I work on stories to be filed and choose pictures to be placed in magazines, it's there, pushed away to the back of my mind, but constantly buzzing.

I don't even know why I'm putting this on here. I don't feel better for it, I don't feel calmer. Except I know that I need to. To have this in black and white, to look back at and marvel over, or to wince and hurriedly move on.

I find out today... About the wanting and about myself.

"I've come to know that what we want in life is the greatest indication of who we really are."
Richard Paul Evans


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