Gentle Whispers

frustration. And that has been a well-documented fact. All I've ever expected from the people I know is honesty and loyalty. The guts to say something straight out. If I ask something of them and they're unable to do it, then to let me know. I'd rather be told the bitter truth to my face, then have to deal with lies and feeble excuses. And when it does happen, I often don't know how to react, I wonder why it happens and whether what I'm asking for is just too much. But now , being the me that I've become, I just do the simpler thing, I simply refuse to respond, I cut off all relations, until I feel ready to respond again. I put people and their issues on the back burner and I don't have anything to do with them until I feel that I care enough. Which is not to say that I'm rude or insensitive. I'm civil enough. I just think it's wrong for anybody to expect things of me, when they aren't ready to meet mine. Perhaps, as I've recently realis...

It's hard to pick up blogging again when you haven't really been in the blogging zone in a very long time. I haven't been quite myself lately. I don't know who I am anymore or what I'm about. When events unfold, I'm unsure of what my reaction is, of what I should be doing. I torture myself wondering whether what I'm doing is the wrong thing or right. I've changed in other ways too. I've become far more cynical and bitter. The hope and joie de vivere that once characterised me is slowly dying. I'm finding it harder and harder to talk to peopland make new friends. I'm not as easy-going and laid back as I once used to be. I'm much more harder and unforgiving than I used to be. I don't let go of issues easily. I hold grudges and that's something I NEVER used to do. I'm quite prepared to walk away from friends who've hurt me once and I'm equally prepared never to speak to them again and not make the first move. Tellingly,...

One of my favourite places in Bombay to chill with my friends, is my friend PU's terrace in Andheri. Located in one of the quiet by lanes of Lokhandwala, it's the perfect place to just be. I love going up there on starry summer nights with a cool breeze and three people without whom life would be incomplete. Lying back, talking, gossiping, sharing secrets, drinking, stuffing ourselves with french fries from McDonald's, it's a place that only holds the best of memories for me. It's magical being there and watching planes fly by. Trying to figure out where they're going, the routes they're taking, making up elaborate stories about the people within. All the while content and listening to soft giggles and whispers. Chuckles and swear words. Drawing comfort from the silence, knowing that we don't need words to communicate. Sharing every little thought I've had. The best and the worst without fear of judgment. Bad jokes, good conversation and terrible leg...

I've always thought of myself as a gregarious, outgoing, friendly person. I've never had a problem talking to people. Making conversation or just breaking the ice and I've always had a lot of friends . But lately I seem to find myself in a slump. I just can't go up there and talk to people and in the last year, I can count the number of new friends I've made on one hand and as you can guess, I'm none too happy with myself. I've had friends through my college and school years and now moving out of my comfort zone is becoming too hard for me. I have these friends whom I know super well and whom I know I can blindly fall back on without worrying about a thing. They're my support system. They have my back and I know I have nothing to worry about. With new friends I'll have to begin all over again. From point A. And it just seems like too much effort. Plus, people at work seem to have their own agendas and I always get the impression that with my way of ...

I wasn't in the best of moods , these last few weeks and even getting out of bed was proving to be too much of a task. Until the rapid turnaround happened, and while I'm still going off into my black moods, I'm trying to keep from letting them engulf me and swallow me whole. But then I that despite the several setbacks I've had, I've realised the Universe is not out to get me. And so I can remind myself of them every time I get low and depressed, I'm making a list. Besides, I love making long list of things to do. Tis's so much fun. 1) I have a job. Much as I don't enjoy it. At least I have one with a fairly decent pay at a time when people are losing their jobs and working for pittances. 2) I have wonderful friends, who care about me. Who worry when I'm not happy and go out of their way to make sure I'm okay and I'm smiling. They're my rainbows on dark, gloomy days. 3) This blog. As long as I have this blog, I think I'll be okay. ...

If you've been reading me for a bit, you probably will have realised that my last few posts haven't exactly been all happiness and light. They've been dark, morbid and downright depressing and I've been gloomy and depressed for a long time too. Until today that is; I was just reading my blog and looking back over the last few conversations I've had with friends and I realised what a sad, sad person I've become. I'm turning into the kind of person I've always hated. Whiny, pessimistic and a wet blanket. And it's such a departure from my usual happy-go-lucky, optimistic, easy-going, up-for-anything self. I've lost all sense of spontaneity. I'm not as laid back as I once was. I take offence at the tiniest of offences. I get anxious over little things. I'm quick to lose my temper and slow to make amends. And I've never been that way ever before. So as of today, I've vowed to be much happier and try to come out of this terrible place....

where angels fear to tread... I've heard that proverb about a hundred times and it failed to sink in. Until recently that is. A friend of mine has been dating somebody for quite a while now and while we haven't had much of an interaction, I've always thought of her boyfriend and me getting on qite well with quite a few things in common. I don't think so anymore. Especially not after a recent night, when his first words on seeing me there blatantly made me feel like an outsider. He completely ignored me. Replied to my attempts at conversation with one word answers and just generally excluding me out of everything. And I am upset. More than most people think. I love my friend very much and she's one of my favourite people in the world. But a boyfriend who behaves this way always throws a spanner in the works. We'll see how it goes.

seeing her name on my phone still causes a fresh rush of pain.

This post has been simmering in my mind for a while. Since Christmas to be precise. But better late than never I always say. Remember the friends I talked about here? We've been, for as long as I can remember, the eight of us. KD, RM, LS, AP, LL, NR, NE and me, with a few people coming and going over the years and friends outside our extremely tight circle. Four guys and four girls. I shifted out of my old colony and we rarely met, what with college, exams, sports, trips et all. We normally met on birthdays, Easter, Christmas, New Year, family functions, with a few people missing sometimes. But no matter how often we met or not at all, the bond was always there, strong and holding fast. Binding us together. We always knew we could call each other at any time of the night and know they'd be there for us in a second and that's the way it stayed. Christmas Eve especially was a special special night. No matter, what else we might have missed, Christmas Eve was something we were...

I've been feeling unusually melancholy of late. I've been very down on myself, thinking I'm not good enough and maybe that's why nothing right ever happens with me. In short, being my typical melodramatic self. So anyway, I was terribly low yesterday and I was just talking to a friend while I got ready to go to work. Complaining and pretty much whining non-stop all throughout until I had to leave. So I picked up my bag, put on my shoes, did a final check to make sure the electricity and gas were switched off and left, only to find my friend waiting at my building gate with his precious Ipod in hand, insisting that I take it to work as I needed to listen to some music to feel at peace saying something about music soothing the wild beast and all that. And me being me, I took the Ipod with really bad grace, grumbled about how my bag was already heavy enough and got into the cab, only to switch on the Ipod and hear Joey McIntyre singing 'Stay the Same'. And my heart...

I've been looking for forever, from well, forever. I've hunted high and low, here and there. Everywhere. I've picked up every rock, shaken every tree. I've behaved abominably when I haven't found it and deluded myself into thinking that I have found it at times. Only to realise that whatever it was, it wasn't forever. It was bits and pieces. Fragments. And my heart ached a little bit every time. But now I know better. I'm going to wait for forever and at the same time not wait. Forever will come to me when I least expect it. When I'm ready for it. And not a minute too soon. When I'm able to love, as much for its flaws as for its beauty. For its talents as for its failings. It will come not reeking of perfection, but of warmth and comfort and knowing we fit together. It will blossom under long walks in the rain, sparkle over strawberry iced teas and blueberry cheesecakes. Grin lopsidedly over Kiwi Martinis and Scotch on the rocks. Be positive through ...

My oldest friends perhaps are the ones from the areas where I used to live. They've known me for a good 8 years at least now. Inside and out. Everything there is to know. If I call them in the middle of the night, I know they'd be there for me without thinking about it twice. They've pulled and pushed and prodded me. Made jokes. Laughed with me and at me. Cried with me and for me. And have been the best friends I could probably ever ask for. But at no point have they ever lied to me. If I've been in the wrong, delusional or brought something down upon myself. Not once have they hesitated to tell me that I'm at fault. And what forms the basis of our friendship is honesty. Brutal, painful honesty. Which sometimes listening to is hard, but when you think about it is absolutely right. We never shield each other from the truth. And while this may seem harsh, it's not. Sure it's not always pretty. But its necessary. And I wouldn't expect any less from any frie...

I cheated today. Not on a boyfriend or anything of that sort, before you let your imagination run away with you. But at a stupid little game of volleyball. Played entirely for the purpose of fun and a miserly bottle of Pepsi. Well, anyway the score was tied, the other team was serving. One of the boys on the opposite team smashed the ball over to our side. We thought it was out and left it, only to have it bounce on the sideline. The other team starts celebrating and my team minus me, starts screaming about how the ball was out, and then everybody started arguing. One of my team mates comes up to me and says, 'It was out. You don't say anything, we'll handle it.' And I didn't. Because I was the only girl in the team and I didn't want to have all the boys shout at me. I now see that for the miserable excuse it is. That I, who's always prided myself on my courage and honesty and fearlessness could be scared of incurring the wrath of five boys. And when the oth...

Day before yesterday, on the 8th of November 2008, Avanti Desai would have turned 21. Instead 15 days before her birthday, as she hurried home to celebrate her grandmother's birthday, Avanti met with a train accident at Jogeshwari station. Just like that. Gone from our lives forever. Leaving behind a huge void and the world a lot more gloomier. And when I got the call first thing in the morning, I couldn't believe it. I thought it was a cruel sadistic joke, but as the calls kept coming in, I realised it was true. Even at the cemetary,, it still hadn't sunk in that Avanti was no longer here. The worst moment though was watching her disappear into the crematorium, it was horrible and I couldn't believe we were leaving her there, and through the next couple of hours all I could think of was of her going up in smoke while we stood there in the bright sunshine. It seemed incomprehensible at first, to think of Avanti as dead, to talk about her in the past tense, to get...

A friend of mine is in a job which requires him to go incommunicado more often than not. He can't call very often. maybe about once in a couple of months and emails about once a month. He called me a couple of days and we've been talking ever since then. Not through out, but sporadically here and there. And from today, I won't be able to call him for another couple of months and I'm absolutely wallowing in misery right now. Yes, the fact that I'm a drama queen doesn't help very much. but I do miss him much much more than I realised and the thought that I have to stay away from him for this long is breaking my heart. I have to get used to not being able to talk to him all over again now. To not running every time I hear the phone ringing and not being able to pick up the phone and hear his voice say hello in that special little way of his. Yes I'm aware it's only 2 months more, but still. I hate it. I hate communicating via e-mail, its no match for long p...

Some one told me around 3 years back, that I float from group to group. She didn't mean it in a bad way. It was just her observation when we were all talking and I have absolutely no problem with it. She's entitled to her opinion. But all of a sudden, it popped into my head and I felt it quite deserved a post. I'll be the first to admit. I do have a lot of friends. I have my school friends, my colony friends, my Xaviers college friends, my Wilson friends, my Wilsons basketball friends, 2 sets of friends from the place where I live in now, and a bunch of friends who don't fit into any specific group, but who are just there. And I love all of them, very very much. I have so many friends that my mum sometimes has a hard time figuring out who I'm with and how I know them. My brother says I should have the word "Sociable" stamped across my forehead. But I love it that way. I love knowing that I have so many friends. And yes I know the difference between friends...

I'm in a new phase where I'm attempting to let bygones be bygones. I'm making efforts to bridge gaps and extend the olive branch. I don't expect the relationships to go back to where they were before the breaks happened. But I'm hoping for a thawing of the ice and a certain level of genuine warmth and affection. Or I would just settle for the bitterness and the hate to disappear. Why? I've been feeling overtly philosophical lately. And it struck me that as I'm moving into new phases and new avenues in life, there's been some bitterness holding me back. Memories gone sour. I hate it that when I think of college and friends and classmates, that there are unhappy recollections. I know that I can't expect to get along swimmingly well with everybody, but that doesn't have to translate into dislike and hate and anger. Does it? I accept that I can't be friends with everyone. But I would like to be good acquaintances at least. That when I run into so...

The mystery I spoke about in my last post has almost been cracked. We're half way there to figuring out the truth and even if I do say so myself, we're GOOD. We brought in another friend, so now its me, SR and JF. Why you ask? Because JF, has the best contacts this side of the world, and we wouldn't be able to put a lot of pieces into place without him and his talent for sniffing out information It took us exactly one hour to figure out a significant part of the story. Beginning with my MSN conversation with P's supposed boyfriend. On very careful and extremely subtle questioning on my part,(you would be proud of me, Moo ), he told me that P and he have broken up and not less than two days ago. At which point, thanks to the magical power of the telephone, we began calling sources. And one informant turned out to be a goldmine, now we know that they broke up because P found him too possessive. *rolls eyes*. How convenient, don't you think? And that sure as hell coinc...

In completely unrelated news to any of my previous posts, I am indulging in some detective work. And before you say, Wtf? Let me explain. A friend of mine by the name of E has been acting very suspiciously lately. He's constantly on his phone, messaging a certain girl and talking to her on the phone and running to meet her. And while he insists that they're just good friends. We aren't falling for it. And the very fact that he's hiding it from his two closest friends is very shady in itself. Now the girl in question, let's just call her 'P', supposedly already has a boyfriend. But nobody knows for sure, whether they're still dating. And I think that's whats stopping my friend from telling us what the scene is. But we're pretty sure, that if it comes down to E and the other guy, P will pick E, because that's the kind of wonderful person he is. Even a blind person would pick him. Also, to add fuel to the fire, we have a very strong feeling tha...

In my last post, I whined about a stand-off that I had with a friend. So thought I'd bring you guys upto speed on whats happening now. The very night of the day, I put up that post, we were all sitting around, talking, drinking and eating in celebration of a friend's birthday. When I decided that I'd had enough and I couldn't bear the fact that he wasn't talking to me. And everybody knew what was going on and there was a chill in the air. And I just couldn't have fun. While knowing that he isn't talking to me. So totally going back on what I'd promised myself. I went up to him and spoke. Yes yes. I know. I'm a weak, spineless creature. And his reason? I wasn't talking to him so he wasn't talking to me back. But anyway I couldn't really care less cause now we're talking. But things aren't back to normal yet. We're both still a little bit colder with each other than we were. And while I know it'll take a while for things to ...