Gentle Whispers

It's back. With even more panic and confusion than usual. This time I'm around, I'm even more afraid. The last time this happened was around the time I was graduating college, when I didn't know what to do next . I knew I wanted to study further, but what, where and how completely flummoxed me and I decided it would be best for me perhaps to work for a year, so I would get a clearer idea of what I wanted to do next in life. And now it's December and I've know I've got approximately four months until I start putting in applications for whatever it is I wanted to. Yes, I'm aware that four months is a hell of a long time, but I don't want to work that way. I know me. And one of my many many skills is procrastination. And if I know I have a 120 days until I have to absolutely get off my fat ass and do something, I'm not going to do anything but postpone. Also, another reason is, I'd like to definitely know what it is that I want to do and where ...

I hate people who interfere. And I've said it twice so you'll believe me without a doubt. My college ended in April with my exams even though I officially graduated in June. And I start work tomorrow. Monday that is. 3 months since I got done with college. And while almost all of my classmates have found jobs and are working, I've pretty much whiled these 3 months away. I've gone on trips galore. Participated in church camps, volunteered at the YMCA, lazed around at home... You get the picture. All the while trying to decide what to do with life. Whether to work or study. My parents have been on my back these last 3 months. Wanting me to do something more. Decide what direction I'm going in etc etc. And I was pretty much okay with not having done anything at all these last three months until a very annoying incident happened. I was chatting with a classmate on Google Talk sometime this week and I mentioned that I would be working soon. At which point, she said and I...

I'm in a new phase where I'm attempting to let bygones be bygones. I'm making efforts to bridge gaps and extend the olive branch. I don't expect the relationships to go back to where they were before the breaks happened. But I'm hoping for a thawing of the ice and a certain level of genuine warmth and affection. Or I would just settle for the bitterness and the hate to disappear. Why? I've been feeling overtly philosophical lately. And it struck me that as I'm moving into new phases and new avenues in life, there's been some bitterness holding me back. Memories gone sour. I hate it that when I think of college and friends and classmates, that there are unhappy recollections. I know that I can't expect to get along swimmingly well with everybody, but that doesn't have to translate into dislike and hate and anger. Does it? I accept that I can't be friends with everyone. But I would like to be good acquaintances at least. That when I run into so...

This is a first. I want to blog. But I have no idea what to blog about. Weird. I have finally made a decision though. I'm going to be working for a year and then studying further. Contingent on my getting into a good journalism school that is. All this CV making and job hunting makes me feel terribly grown up. And not necessarily in a good way. Its a time to face up to responsibilities, to shoulder some burdens and to walk on. And to let go of the carefree days of yore. But on the other hand, I will be earning lots of money, (see how good I am at deluding myself), and I will be able to buy myself lots of things. First on the list of which is a new bike. Yay!

I know I've already blogged about how much I miss college. But I chanced upon this video today and it expressed exactly how I was feeling now that I'm done with college. And it had me all sentimental. *Sniff*

I haven't been really interested in blogging lately. Yes, I know after all the talks I gave about being addicted to blogging, I should probably be shot dead. But while I still read blogs regularly I haven't really been interested in blogging myself. Until today that is, I came across a beautiful post at Mynie's blog. And I was immediately inspired to post. I know I've said that I miss college a lot about a million times before. But this seemed such a nice way to do things, to list out exactly what I miss about college. And while, I can't think of ever bettering that list. Cause she said pretty much all of it, I'm just going to try and fill in the gaps. I miss the anticipation of waiting for the watchman to ask for my ID, the moment I set foot inside the gate. I miss running down to the basketball court every five minute break between lectures to see if anyone was playing. I miss the guy at the BMM office, who pointed to the notice board every time we asked him ...

It's the end of a long, tiring day of travelling and we are now at Dimapur in Nagaland. I somehow don't feel like I'm in the north-east. It could be a small, dusty town anywhere else in India and it seems to have more migrants than the original inhabitants. The fabulous dress sense of the people here continues to astound me. They are always so chicly attired and I am so so envious of the way they put things together. Other than that, today was a fairly interesting day. We left from Nameri pretty early and I was quite disappointed to leave. It weas such a beautiful place and one that I would definitely love to visit again. The road to Dimapur led through Kaziranga National Park and for once we were lucky enough to spot some one horned rhinos. Th rest of the ride however was long and boring and hot and saw me dozing pretty much throughout it. The army and security presence here in Dimapur is considerable and on our evening walk, we saw quite a few security personnel totting ...

10/05/2008 18:46 pm It's Day 2 at Nameri Tiger Reserve and I have finally been bitten by a leech. Not once or twice, but four times and all on my right leg. It's not particularly painful though and unlike the rest I'm quite okay with being bitten and haven't made too much of a song and dance about it. On the contrary, I was quite excited about being bitten and part of the elite "Leech Club". This has been a day of learning and I am still trying to absorb some of it. And the more I learn about discrimination against the North-east, the more it infuriates me.We heard a lot of stories today and my mind is reeling. For instance, when the Chinese Prime Minister visited Mumbai, north-eastern students who were leaving college were picked up by the police and kept at Lamigton Road police station all because they were ' chinky ' and looked Tibetan, which was a gross injustice by any standards. Most of them were just leaving college when they were picked up and ...

09/08/2008 19:30 pm Nameri Tiger Reserve is where we are today and I for one am completely awestruck. Nameri is situated north to Tezpur which is in Assam. We are staying at an Eco Camp, a little way into Nameri and this place is amazing. It is truly what I would expect a camp to be like with grass tents, lush greenery, a campfire spot, plenty of space to run around and play in. The evening started off with a one and a half kilometre walk to the riverside and ended with us plunging into the river. As of now, we are at a session being conducted by our Professor and we have a local and ex-Wilsonian Chombe telling us about the tribes and languages of Arunachal Pradesh. As I sit here, I wonder what the bloody hell was wrong with me that I actually thought of dropping out of this trip and I now know that if I had missed out I would regret it for the rest of my life. Who knows when, if ever, I will visit these places again and even if I do, there is no guarantee that I will be with these sam...

08/05/2008 11:00 am Sometimes in life you just need to stop and stare and here at Eagle's Nest Sanctuary in Arunachal Pradesh, I have experienced one of those moments today at the waterfall with the clearest water I have ever seen. And I had to spend some time there. Sitting and soaking it up. And bird-watching. The walk back wasn't the best though. It was long and painful what with the jeeps breaking down and everything. But it was still fun. At the end of the day however I am just about ready to collapse. If I survive tonight I will let you know.

06/02/2008 20:00 pm Pakke National Park, Arunachal Pradesh I am not an easy person to silence and it takes a lot to get me to shut up. Something very very special happened today and it happened the moment I stepped into the Pakke National Park behind an Asian elephant with a penchant for breaking wind. The forest itself was beautiful, one of the best I've seen and I fell in love with it immediately and I didn't want to leave until I saw all the forest had to offer both in terms of plants and animals. With the animals undoubtedly being the high point. The sight of surprise on the face of the wild elephant and then watching them crashing through the underbrush and the Great Hornbills soaring majestically through the sky are memories that I will always carry with me. On some levels though, I am filled with regret that I didn't get to see a tiger or a clouded leopard though I tried my darnedest. But oh well, C'est la vie. The leeches were an experience that I will never for...

* I wrote this during my recent trip to Arunachal Pradesh, Assam and Nagaland and it's in the form of a diary. And now that I read back on it, I'm longing to edit it out and make changes, but in the interest of being true to myself, I'm going to do no such thing* 6th January 2008 16:05 pm The train journey lasted a very long while and while most parts were fun, bits of it were quite boring. After arriving in Assam and now Arunachal Pradesh, I am awestruck by how beautiful it is and how absolutely little I know of the country I live in. Though I must admit that I'm a little bit better than most. What saddens me most is that for these people, they are not Indians but are made to feel like outsiders, that some of them do not feel Indian, that they are called ' chinkies ', that we generalise all the states in the North-East whether Assam, Manipur or Mizoram as North-Eastern. That we fail to see them as states with different cultural identities but just as people wit...

My exams are in exactly 6 days. SIX DAYS. Which leaves me one day a subject. Which basically means I'm screwed. And I'm still not motivated enough to study. I am worried. Yet not worried enough to actually study. I've been studying in bits and pieces. Not nearly enough. And I wonder what's going to happen during the exams. I'm going to be a quivering, nervous wreck and it'll all be my fault. What do I need? A good kick up the ass!

My college life is over. I have just the last few project submissions and a few sporadic lectures here and there left. But for most part, my college days are over. 10th of March is when it will be done with. And I'm so depressed at the thought, that I could cry. Really. I'm not exaggerating. I'm one of those excessively sentimental people who gets attached at the drop of a hat and can't let go easily of people and things. Anyway, I had my last lecture with the Professor I keep raving about last Thursday and it almost broke my heart. I couldn't believe that he would no longer be teaching me. No longer pushing me. I wouldn't be running late as usual for his lecture afraid of the famous glare. Moaning over how difficult his projects were. Scribbling SSR on his very well-known Harvard Business Review and the Economist handouts. No more listening to Bob Dylan songs in his lectures and no more notes from him every Teacher's Day signed affectionately the Crazy Old ...

I've always been ever so slightly ashamed to say that I'm in Wilsons. Shallow maybe but true. In my three years in Wilson's , I've always held on to my identity as a Xavierite, looking ever so subtly down my nose at all things Wilson. Except my department related things that is. Sporadically over the last three years, I've often wished I was in Xaviers . At the end of every year, contemplating changing colleges and switching back to Xaviers. But something held me back. Whether it was just plain laziness, not wanting to acclimatise myself again with new professors, classmates and friends or something more deeper and profound I don't really know. But now that it's my last year in Wilson's and effectively my last semester too. I find myself depressed at the thought that I won't be in Wilson's anymore. There's so much that I will miss. More than I ever thought possible. And as I stood there on my graduation night, with my cap and my gown, I felt ...

I've never been very much into music and before you all gasp in horror, and let me say that while I do love my music. I've never been much of a listener. I'm not constantly glued to my Ipod or VH1. But I had a beautiful experience with music today. Our college farewell is coming up and we've been practising to perform a song. A cappella to be precise. We sang together today for hours and hours and I dont think I was bored for even a minute. And it wasn't jsut thanks to the people. It was thanks to the music. I was amazed at the way everybody was working so hard. Sopranos, altos, tenors and bass. And I think I'm an alto. Music does bring people together. For a few hours at least, we put aside all differences. Gathered together and sang our hearts out. Listened to the music, laughed and tried to teach each other. I appreciate the power of music more and more. In case, your wondering the song we were singing is Lean On Me. The original is by Al Green but I love the...

My last semester of my last year in college begins tomorrow. Well, it officially began on the 19th, but I was delayed by my amazing trip to Kerala. Anyway, I'm approaching this last semester with a mix of feelings. There's nervousness, anticipation, excitement, sorrow, fear and a little bit of something I can't quite seem to place my finger on. I'm making myself the usual promises :- I will wake up on time. Attend lectures regularly and bunk only when absolutely necessary. I will complete all my notes and not run around xeroxing notes two days before an exam. I will participate in everything. I will voice my opinion in class. Give my best to every project I do. And on and on... But other than that, I have a few other things I'd like to see happen. I want to enjoy this semester as much as I can. Throw myself into everything with wholehearted sincerity. Try out things I've either found too boring before or never done before. Fit in as much basketball as I can. Eno...

Well, i got done with my first board exam today. I don't really see the point of board exams but thats another issue for another day. Anyway it was Reporting, and while I haven't done brilliantly well. It was pretty decent. The only thing getting me down is the fact that I didn't maanage to finish my paper. Just one answer short and a loss of around 7-8 marks which when you think about it is quite a lot :(. I've never been the fastest writer around. It takes me a while to write and I've never ever maanged to finish the lengthy papers in college. And if this first exam was an indication that I need to get my fingers in shape to finish cause to lose marks for not finishing is like the worse thing ever second only to forgetting everything- going blank if you will. Time to hit the gym.

I have exactly 10 days left for my exams. 10 days in which I have to study 6 subjects and which I am absolutely clueless about. And to top it all, they're my board exams. University of Mumbai exams where my answer papers go out to people who dont know me and therefore no pity marks either. Damn. There is so much to do. Just looking at the notes are scaring the hell out of me. And now I'm too confused and too overwhelmed to even do anything except look at all the notes spread out all over my study table in disbelief and let the shock wear off very very slowly. Though by the time it wears off it'll probably be one day before my exam and I won't have time to do anything. I can't rely on holidays either because the ever so wise examination people over at the University have decided to have 6 exams in 6 days. From the 8th to the 13th. Now, this does have its benefits in that the exams will end much much faster. But come on, ONE measly holiday would have made everything ...