Forgiving and forgetting

Relationship... relationships.... such complicated shit !!!
Why is there a category who must always feel that they are better, much better than anyone?
why cant people live a simple life...?
and why must friends be stabbed by so called friends?
and why must this category of person be so convincing?
They play with your feelings and you see yourself with doubts! You don't want to lose a friend, they are so important in this fucking life!!! But there are times when forgiveness is no more of actuality!!! when you know deep inside that you will lose it forever even if there is still love & friendship......
Because it will ruin you

And why why am I still ready to be friends with that person ???

Why am I still trying after a week of not speaking ???

Am I just a glutton for punishment ?

Do I love getting hurt again and again ???

What is it ??

I dont know if the person will feel betrayed. I dont know the feeling, but i know that it will surely hurt and i dont mean evil, i strived here , i tried to save our friendship...but this is no apparent issue!!!

But now i've given up

Maybe in da future, when da person realises the harm made he/she may change! there will be only one door open on billions....
find it... i will give no clue!!!

ANYWAY... I MAY FORGIVE BUT I NEVER FORGET...

Sports in my Heart & Soul

Every time I tell somebody I want to be a sports journalist. They wonder why. Why a girl wants to do sports journalism? Why I'm not interested in maybe Page 3 or fashion journalism? What do I see in sports?

And more often than not, I'm stumped for words. I really don't know how to explain to them about how much I love sports. About how its an integral part of whom I am. Of how my life's blood is sports. Of how it's imprinted on my heart and engraved in my soul. It's a tough thing to explain. Especially to those people who've never played a sport.

I've played basketball all my life and I can't remember ever not loving it or imagine not being into it. No matter how busy I am. My life revolves around it. I'm constantly looking for information on what's happening in Mumbai, the national level and even the NBA. It's why I go to watch tournaments even when I'm not playing, so I can appreciate the skills and talents of other players who are much much better than me. It's what makes me wake up at 5-6 in the morning to watch the NBA and believe me, I am NOT a morning person. It's what makes my world go around.

They don't know the feeling you get before you step onto the court. That mixture of excitement and nervousness. The absolute joy you get when your playing. The crushing sense of disappointment when you lose. Being absolutely euphoric when you win. The satisfaction of a game well-played and a shot well-taken. The letdown when a shot is missed or when your coach benches you. There are no words for something like that.

Except to the people who've played a sport; basketball, football, hockey anything. They know the indescribable emotions you go through.

I live to meet them.

Flavour of My Hands

Yesterday after a long long time, I ate food with my hands. Typical South Indian food. Rasam, Sambhar, Rice and some kind of beetroot vegetable.

It was hard. Really hard. And if I had a choice I would never ever have done it. But now that I did it, I'm glad. It was a novel expereince. I felt extremely connected with my food. Something I never feel when I eat with a spoon. Weird but true.

It was fun too. Pouring sambhar over the rice. Picking it up in my fingers and watching half of it fall of again. Struggling to put food in my mind without biting my fingers off. Watching my friend laughing as she watched my incredibly bad attempts to eat. And also sensing the smirks of the other diners and waiters in the restaraunt

But as I walked out of the restaraunt I felt full. Not just with food but an inexplicable sense of pride at what I had accomplished. I'm going to eat a lot more with my hands now. Maybe not regularly but atleast once in a while.

Just so I don't lose my touch.

Of Friends & Memories

These days I find myself analyzing my relationship with my friends a lot. Of how much they mean and how I would be totally lost without them.

I can't even begin to explain the wonderful feeling I get when I'm with my friends and we're all laughing or talking over something. It makes my heart glow to realise how much I love these people and how my life would be totally empty without them.

I enjoy the whole process of making friends with people, of watching memories being formed. Of how random talks or messages or online conversations can be so incredibly fulfilling. The feeling I get when I wake up one day and realise what a big part of my life they've suddenly become.

Who knows what will happen 10 years down the line whether we'll still be friends or even know where the other is. Its a sobering thought. But I'm not going to think about it too much now.

I'm going to revel in every smile, cherish every hug and treasure all the late night talks and memories. Grab every moment and live it up to the fullest with them. Make plans for the future with whole hearted determination to carry them out. Argue and fight but not hold grudges.

Make new friends and be an even better friend to the older ones.


That's all

60 years of Indian Agriculture

Agriculture has been the dominant sector in the Indian economy accounting for 18% in the GDP and 60% of the population is employed in agriculture. India is second in the world in terms of farm output and despite a decline in its share in the GDP, it is still the dominant sector of the economy.

In the 1950’s productivity in India was low due to illiteracy, general economic-social backwardness and slowness in implementing land reforms. Other causes were fragmentation of land and inadequate irrigation facility. However this changed with the advent of the Green Revolution with the yield per unit increasing. This happened due to the emphasis placed on agriculture in the five year plans and steady advancements in irrigation facilities and technology, the use of modern agricultural practices and agricultural credit.

The realization that food security was of paramount importance led to the implementation of the Green Revolution in India from 1967 to 1978. The basic elements of the Green Revolution were the expansion of the farmlands and double cropping already existing farmlands and also using genetically improved seeds. The Green Revolution resulted in a record grain output in 1978-79 and established India as one of the world’s largest grain producers with no other country in the world recording such a level of success and led to India becoming an exporter of food grains.

Yield per unit of farmland also increased substantially. The crop areas required more water, pesticides fungicides and other chemicals and led to the growth of the manufacturing sector which created more jobs and helped the country’s GDP. India was able to transform itself from a starving nation to a food grain exporter and gained much admiration in the Third World.

However, even today India’s grain output is sometimes not able to meet the demand. The Green Revolution has thus not been able to transform India into a self sufficient nation. The high yield concept has not been able to reach all regions or crops. It is confined to food grains and regions like Haryana and Punjab. Today there are still places like Kalahandi in Orissa which experience famines and where starvation deaths have been reported.

The high yield system calls for prolonged use of fertilizers and pesticides which have depleted the soil and poisoned the environment. The farmers of states that under the Green Revolution grew bumper crops are now facing heavy debts. They are facing many obstacles such as lack of bank credit, fertilizer adulteration and inferior quality seeds.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh in 2005 promised rural India a 'New Deal' to reverse decline in farm investments through increased funds for agricultural research, irrigation and wasteland development. He said the government was committed to launching the second green revolution.

An Ode to a Mountain

Lofty peaks rising up to the sky
Caressed by the clouds, kissed by the sun,
Dusted with snow

How many tales to tell,
How many mysteries to unravel
Unparalleled beauty, Incomparable strength

Rivers and lakes, Forest and deserts,
Slopes and valleys, Sentinels and Protectors
Jewel in India's crown

Guarded and armed,
Revered and respected,
Holy of Holies

House of mortals,
Home of sages,
Abode of Gods,

Witness of the past
Testimony to the future
Statement of the present

Many mantles, one mountain

*inspiration strikes during the bus ride on the Leh-Manali route*

Sands of Time

A giant bowl of sand,
Varied, Vague
Ever changing, Forever Moving,
Giver of Life, Taker of Breath

One minute there, Next second gone
Easy to guess, difficult to predict
Impossible to conquer,
Illusion and Reality all in one

* A spur of the moment poem I wrote on the trek from Diskit to Hunder in the Nubra Valley in Ladakh*

Relationship Weirdness.

Sometimes I just like to sit back and take stock of my relationships with people. I'm not a vindictive person by nature and I don't think I have ever really cut anybody out of my life. It's just not me. I've tried to but I just haven't been able to do it for very long. Even if I'm right, I'll still be the first to call and break the ice. Sometimes I hate myself for it but most of the time I feel that "who cares who makes the first move as long as we're friends again." I can't bear to see one of my friends ignore me or not talk to me.

My relationship with some of my friends is filled with drama. We're constantly arguing, fighting, banging the phone down on each other, swearing we'll never talk to each other again. But after a little while, we talk again and I love that cause these people are like me. Once something is done with, they move on and forget what happened. About forgive, I don't really know. Sometimes though the reverse happens, the situation turns out to be unchangeable and I still keep trying to extending the olive branch. But now I'm wondering if the whole thing is really worth it. If it means that much to me. I find that as I get older and older, my capacity to believe bullshit is decreasing and so are my patience levels. At one point of time, if someone said something mildly insulting to me, I would let it go. Not anymore. Now I'm about ready to rip their throats out. I don't like it that much. But still, at least now I'm not taken for granted anymore.

Another thing I find weird is how I need certain people at particular times in my life. If I need to go out and party or get drunk, I call certain friends, when I want to play basketball or just have a crappy conversation, I call another friend and when I'm in trouble I'll call somebody. All neat little categories. There are probably just about 4-5 people whom I can call at any time and talk about anything under the sun and they'll understand.

I guess thats the difference between friends and acquaintances.

Murder Most Foul

She stood, a small figure in front of the school notice board. With anxious eyes she searched for her number. It wasn't there. The girls around her jostled and pushed. There were screams of delight and shrieks of ecstasy. She turned away from the sounds of laughter, tears, streaming down her face.
Far away she heard the same laughter turning into jeers. Suddenly she felt imaginary eyes on her back and voices. "She's dumb. She failed." " She was never any good." "Remember in class, she sat with that stupid look."

She turned and walked the stairs to her now empty class. In the eerie silence she heard the laughter of clasmates and then her teacher's voice, " Can't you do your homework like the others do, you'll fail if you go on like this." How was she to tell the teacher that she had not understood a thing the day before to have been able to do her work at home.

" Stand outside the class will you, let the whole school know what an idiot you are." She had stood outside her class and watched the juniors laughing as they walked past. The teacher had called her in after sonetime. " I hope you are going to concentrate now, otherwise you'll have to go back outside." There were sniggers from the other girls as she sat on her bench. "Dumb", they all seemed to say. " She's just plain dumb".

There were no tears to wash away the heaviness in her heart. She sat on her bench in the empty classroom and her thoughts went home. A shiver ran down her spine. She saw her father tall and menacing standing in front of her. " You better pass, okay, we don't want the neighbours laughing at us."

An uncle had sniggered, " She's got her brains from her mother's side." " Oh no" shouted her mother , " It's her father who's bequeathed her with his dopey mind." " I don't care where you've got your brains from," her father had shouted, " but if you fail, you've had it." " Atleast pass your school, so we can marry you off," her mother had piped in. Voices, laughter, shouting, sniggering in the empty classroom. Voices chasing each other round and round her head.

Laughter, cruel and brutal, sniggers, sharp and merciless, echoed louder and louder in her little mind, till suddenly she felt herself shudder involuntarily. "Stupid," they shouted. " Idiot," they yelled. " Failure," they cried.

Like a zombie she climbed the steps one by one, the tears, no more there. She walked as though pushed by some invisible force. She smiled as she heard the taunts and jeers grow less in her mind. She smiled as she calmly climbed the parapet wall. She heard the screaming of her classmates below and she joyously threw herself down into their midst.

" Why did she do it?" cried her classmates, her teachers, her father and her mother. Suicide was what the police report said, but murder it was.... most foul !

Mindless Ramblings Of My Mind

I dont have to remind myself that this is my space, I can write any amount of bullshit out here..just to satisfy myself, but lately I'm having problems talking about my own problems, rather.. facing them also..forget writing about them...that doesnt mean i can stop writing..i could go on and on rambling, maybe its a part of me now. Though rambling doesn't really make me forget issues that mess my mind up.

Maybe its just me.

I take things in the wrong sense. I'm over critical. I'm sometimes stupid --speak without thinking. I'm horrible in sticky situations or those which demand me to be forceful and I totally completely think too much. About everything. What, when, how..!

If i trust someone i fear I'm being taken for a ride, if i don't i fear I'm losing out on something not worth losing.

Yes yes i can already hear u loud enough--im sure some of u are saying--she needs a break.
i know i do. but i cant even seem to get that planned out, without worrying about 10 things.

People i live with are misunderstanding me, I've become cranky..get angry on the smallest matters..apaprently am addicted to the internet too..i dunno what to say or do.

I dont even wanna talk about it

ive said some of it, but not most of it dont ask me anything PLEASE. and dont say get back to normal..take a break..blahh

ohh alright i need help.

Maybe.